


Sith For Folly Said and Done

by micehell



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: AU (Obi-Wan is a sith apprentice at first), Humor, M/M, quite silly ;), there's some channish thoughts but with the idea that it would be inappropriate to act on them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-31
Updated: 2007-10-31
Packaged: 2017-11-12 21:42:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/495953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/micehell/pseuds/micehell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The annual <i>Reasons To Get Rid Of My Sith Apprentice</i> meeting with Yoda never went well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sith For Folly Said and Done

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a joke, of course, modified from a line from a W. H. Auden poem -- _Sighs for folly said and done_.
> 
> This was sort of based on a children's book I'd read when I was young -- though I still can't remember the name of the damn thing -- about a young witch who's left behind on Halloween, and becomes indoctrinated into an Aryan-ideal family until she stops being a witch and becomes a happy little blond-haired, blue-eyed girl (with chubby pink cheeks and all), and turns her back on her previous existence when it's offered back to her on the next Halloween. I'm making fun of the story now, obviously, and the whole conformity issue really sticks out to me now that I'm an adult, but I really loved it when I was five. ;)

"Yes, of course, Master. Boundaries between worlds, very thin. I've got it."

Yoda looked disgruntled, but Qui-Gon was used to that. He just smiled serenely, knowing how irritating it was.

"Scoff, you do? On every fifth Malick's Eve, the realm of the Sith is very close indeed." With a vaguely distracted air and a sly smile, Yoda said, "Close are Jedi and Sith tonight. Close the lines between. See, you will."

Qui-Gon didn't even have time to dread what Yoda meant by either the pronouncement or the smile, because in a spiraling pool of inky darkness, the very air seemed to melt away, leaving the boundary between the Sith world and the galaxy poorly guarded.

Allowing the menace that lay behind that boundary to come flying through…

Though it wasn't so much flying, as it was stumbling. And not so much menace as… well, yes, menace, but a very small one all the same.

The Sith was probably just over 5 feet tall, rail thin, with an abundance of red blond hair that flopped over into his eyes as he advanced on them. If the hair hadn't been enough to detract from his perceived threat, though, the incipient pimple at the tip of his cleft chin certainly did so.

Admittedly, the lightsaber he was carrying looked pretty dangerous, and it was held with skill, but Qui-Gon still couldn't help but laugh when the little Sith's battle cry warbled, breaking between registers as only a thirteen year old human male's voice could.

The laughter seemed to egg the Sith on, and he leaped at Qui-Gon, his snarl almost enough to counteract the delicate, almost girlish prettiness of his mouth. Qui-Gon pulled the boy's lightsaber to his own hand with a deft touch of Force, grabbing the struggling menace by the back of his tunic and giving him a quick shake to quiet him down.

The shake was largely ineffective, and Qui-Gon was treated to an impressive display of invective -- which was apparently a skill the Sith honed early -- as the child tried to squirm out of his grip, but the boy fell eerily silent as, with a sound like water being sucked down a drain, the opening between the worlds closed. Whatever small air of danger had been around the Sith disappeared as he stared at the perfectly empty air behind him with sad, betrayed eyes.

Qui-Gon kept his hold on the boy, though the danger he posed seemed to be stilled for the moment, and turned to Yoda. "When you said close…."

Yoda was staring at the two of them, his hands resting on his gimmer stick as he gummed the end of it thoughtfully. "Close, indeed."

::::::::::

"No."

"Spoken the Force has."

Qui-Gon was tired. It had been a long night and a long argument, and it looked like the former would be over before the latter. "So have I, and I say no."

From the other room there came a loud agreement. "No!"

Yoda nodded as if they'd both said yes. "See, much in common you have."

"One, he's a Sith. Why do you even want me to train him at all?" Yoda started to reply, but Qui-Gon hurried on. "Two, he's a Sith. Why do you want _me_ to train him? Haven't I already helped them enough by training Xanatos?"

Ever since childhood, and the first time he'd felt its sting, Qui-Gon had wondered why Yoda bothered with a lightsaber at all, considering how good he was at wielding his gimmer stick. That one was going to leave a bruise. Qui-Gon stepped back when Yoda waved the stick again, but this time it was only for emphasis. "One, not a Sith is he, but a Sith apprentice. Now a Jedi apprentice he will be, and one less Sith there is."

He had a point, and Qui-Gon could feel his refusal being broken against the stubborn green wall before him. "Why me?" he asked again, a little chagrinned at how whiny he sounded.

Yoda studied him for a moment, then sighed. "Need to move on, you do. Need to share your life. And needs to learn this one does, a constructive use of his talent. To help others. Only for a couple of weeks has he been an apprentice. Late bloomer he is."

There was a loud crash from the other room, and even as Qui-Gon got up to see what had happened Yoda nibbled his stick again, adding, "A little clumsy, as well, but not much to break in your apartment is there."

And there was one less thing in his apartment to break now, but Qui-Gon only sighed, knowing he'd already lost the argument. He looked at the incredibly rare, incredibly broken Corellian Virgin statue and sighed again. It was going to be a long apprenticeship, he could just tell.

_One year later_

"And that was just what he did on Alacar."

Qui-Gon looked at Yoda, trying to tell if he was still listening, but the little master was too good at faking it to say for sure. He had his suspicions that Yoda had actually fallen asleep some time around his recitation of Obi-Wan's peeing in the Sacred Fountain on Nostromo -- though Qui-Gon had to admit that Obi-Wan might have been a little justified in that, because it had looked rather like a toilet -- but he was still nodding occasionally, so Qui-Gon continued. "On Mitan IV, he laughed at the Emperor's new clothes, almost causing a diplomatic incident. If it hadn't been for the fact that everyone else started laughing too, I hate to think what might have happened."

Another nod was the response, making Qui-Gon sigh. He knew the little bastard was just humoring him. But either Yoda really had been listening, or else the silence alerted him that Qui-Gon was done, because he smiled and said, "Very talented he is. A joy it must be to train someone so strong in the Force."

Qui-Gon sighed again, knowing a dismissal when he heard one. It had been a long year, and, remembering Mitan IV -- and ignoring the fact that he might have laughed a little, too -- he knew the next wasn't likely to be any easier.

_The year after that_

Though it wasn't exactly the lesson he'd meant to teach, Qui-Gon had taught Obi-Wan to be more circumspect over the years. Or to be slier, at any rate. Which is why it took him a moment to notice that the reason Obi-Wan was slouching so much in his seat behind the pilot's chair was because he had his foot under said pilot's chair, trying to irritate him with it. That the pilot hadn't said anything made Qui-Gon eye him a little suspiciously, but then he turned a more quelling eye on Obi-Wan. It at least made his apprentice sit up and stop what he was doing, but it also earned Qui-Gon a pout, which made him sigh. He'd gotten very good at sighing over the last couple of years.

It wasn't even that Obi-Wan never did anything right, because he did. In many ways he was a model apprentice: good at his lessons and very strong in the Force. He sometimes showed some of the most impeccable manners that Qui-Gon had ever seen in someone his age, combined with a bright smile and an elegant accent that had many of the people they helped almost helplessly taken with him. Only fifteen years old, and he was already leaving broken hearts in his wake, though never by any intention of his own. At least not that Qui-Gon had ever seen. In this, at least, he was a good Jedi.

But no matter how much Qui-Gon tried to read all of that as good signs, it was the niggling little things -- the foot under the chair, spiking the younglings' punch at the Etesfete picnic, the _Kick me!_ sign stuck to the back of Mace's cloak… though Qui-Gon had to admit that that one was pretty good -- that showed how little control the boy had over himself. How little concerned he was with being a proper Jedi.

Qui-Gon brought himself out of his reverie when he noticed a strange little smile on the pilot's face. He looked at Obi-Wan, but he was the picture of innocence, telling Qui-Gon only that he'd done something, but not what it was. Feeling about with the Force, he discovered that Obi-Wan had resumed his previous occupation, sans foot, and while he might admire the skill of the Force application, another quelling look had both Obi-Wan and the pilot pouting.

He sighed again, reminding himself that they were almost home, and added the incident to his list for the annual _Reasons To Get Rid Of His Sith Apprentice_ meeting with Yoda. Not that he expected Yoda to mind him any better than Obi-Wan, but at least it gave him something to do besides count the new gray hairs he gotten since taking Obi-Wan in.

_Another year gone_

"It's like he's sex on two legs," Qui-Gon said, feeling more than a little harried. "He flirts with everything, and he's always locking himself in the fresher and then coming out all flushed and sweaty. He had the Minister of Ssst so flustered that he signed the trade agreement we'd brokered without even reading it, and all because Obi-Wan kept licking his lips and crossing his legs."

Qui-Gon, if he were being perfectly honest, would have had to admit that he himself hadn't been exactly unmoved by that little display either, but that wasn't a relevant point at the moment… or at least not something that Yoda needed to know. "I'm telling you, Master Yoda, it's a sure sign that he's still a Sith."

Yoda nodded in that same irritatingly amused fashion he had at the last two years' meetings. "Sign that he's a Sith, it is not." He paused, smiling knowingly -- and Qui-Gon began to suspect that Yoda already knew that thing that he didn't need to know (though just trying to work through all those knows and knews was giving Qui-Gon a headache) -- and said, "Sure sign that he is a teenager is what it means."

Qui-Gon sighed, his skill at it so honed now that Yoda actually swayed a little at the gust of breath. It looked like it was going to be another long year. The truly irritating thing was that Yoda was probably right.

But, thinking about the thing that Yoda may or may have not known, Qui-Gon couldn't help but wonder if he was truly training Obi-Wan to be a Jedi, or if Obi-Wan was training Qui-Gon not to be one.

_One Very Long Year later_

It had been a long mission, and Obi-Wan had been nothing but helpful. He'd not even once laughed at the Gungans, when even Qui-Gon had been tempted a time or two.

Obi-Wan even reached out, catching one of them -- perhaps the most clumsy creature that Qui-Gon had ever seen -- before he could fall, though it had meant that Obi-Wan himself wound up in the mud. Knowing how much his apprentice hated to be dirty, Qui-Gon knew what a selfless act that had been.

But when Obi-Wan turned his way, white teeth and pink tongue very visible through the mud covering his face, his clothes clinging to his body, it was all Qui-Gon could do to keep from yelling at him. He saw the glow on Obi-Wan's face fade away, that eager look to him for approval turn to disappointment, but Qui-Gon had to struggle to keep his face neutral, to grit out a perfunctory, "Good job, Padawan."

Because if he didn't control himself, if he didn't bottle it all inside, there was no guarantee that Obi-Wan wouldn't be back down in that mud, Qui-Gon down there with him, and approval would have been only the first thing he'd be showing Obi-Wan then. Even now, with Obi-Wan turned back to the Gungan, making a cutting remark about tripping over his own ears, it was all Qui-Gon could do not to reach out to him. Being a good Jedi master, he didn't ravish his apprentice right then and there, instead admonishing him on tolerance. Though if he were being perfectly honest -- again -- he had to admit that Obi-Wan was right about the silly being.

But then honesty and civility rarely had anything to do with each other, and Obi-Wan had always been more prone to the former than a Jedi should be. That thought gave Qui-Gon pause for a moment, and he wondered if there was something odd, something wrong, about a Sith being more honest than a Jedi, but then he shook his head, sighing, taking care to direct it away from the Gungan to prevent any more accidents. It was best not to think about it.

Obi-Wan's apology, perfectly civil if not at all honest, left the Gungan in tears, and Qui-Gon sighed again, trying not to think about the fact that even Obi-Wan's chilly hauteur was attractive as hell. Just another thing to add to The List, even if this year's list seemed to be more filled more with Qui-Gon's shortcomings than Obi-Wan's.

He sighed again. He didn't think he could make it through another year.

_An Almost Didn't Make It Through The Year later_

"He's just not learning, Master Yoda. I mean, yes, he's a brilliant student, and, yes, he's strong in the Force. He'd be the perfect apprentice except for the fact that he reverts too often. He'll be behaving just as a Jedi ought to, he'll even be happy, but then he'll just go moody and act out again. He's seventeen, and he should be getting past this type of thing, but instead he's been getting worse."

For once Yoda didn't simply nod and dismiss Qui-Gon's list of complaints. Instead he studied Qui-Gon intently, and if it weren't for the fact that he was a Jedi master, Qui-Gon would have squirmed under all that scrutiny, part of him afraid of what Yoda might see under the Jedi master mask he wore.

"Told him what's expected of him have you?"

Well that he could answer. "Yes."

"Told him when he's not lived up to that expectation have you?"

Oh, another easy one. "Yes."

"Told him when he _has_ lived up to that expectation have you?"

"Ye- um, yes?" Damn, a trick question. But he had, hadn't he? He went back through memories of Obi-Wan's happy (beautiful) face smiling at him, making Qui-Gon want things a Jedi shouldn't, making Qui-Gon… well, not making him, but rather requiring him to keep his hand in his robe lest they reach out and touch. To keep his smiles to himself, because the attraction might show through otherwise. "Maybe."

Yoda was still watching him, and again Qui-Gon was nervous about what he was seeing, but all Yoda said was, "A learning experience is apprenticeship supposed to be. A learning experience is a master's role supposed to be as well."

And Qui-Gon had learned over the years. Things about himself he'd rather not know. That Jedi he might be, but that the line between Jedi and Sith was a little too close for his comfort. Sometimes (often) he wanted to do what Obi-Wan sometimes (not quite as often) did, and tell people exactly what he thought of them. Sometimes (often) he wanted to fuck his far too attractive apprentice, regardless of the inappropriateness of the relationship, regardless of Obi-Wan's age. Sometimes (once, only one) he wanted to form the attachments the Code forbade.

Yoda was back to nodding, as annoying as ever, as he said something that Qui-Gon didn't want to learn. "Your apprentice he still is."

_The fifth Malick's Eve_

"This is wrong," Qui-Gon said, but neither Obi-Wan nor he were really listening to him.

Instead Obi-Wan tightened the Force hold he had on Qui-Gon's wrists, spreading his naked body wide across the bed, laying his own naked body on top of him. "I don't care. I'll never be a Jedi anyway. When the barriers between fall tonight, my old master will come for me." He paused for a moment to lick his way up Qui-Gon's throat, smiling as he said, "We might as well enjoy ourselves in the meantime."

Obi-Wan was strong in the Force, and his hold on Qui-Gon was quite firm, but Qui-Gon was a Jedi master. He could break the hold. He could stop the mouth on his, the rub of that strong, lean body against his own. The kiss on his cock. He could, and should. But when Obi-Wan hesitated, looking at Qui-Gon a little sadly, pulling away, Qui-Gon pulled him back with a Force hold of his own.

Could, should, none of it mattered anymore, not with Obi-Wan so close, so naked, so his. Not when he couldn't stand the thought of Obi-Wan leaving, but he couldn't stand the thought of never feeling this, either, not feeling the slide of Obi-Wan's body down onto Qui-Gon's cock, so tight it hurt. So wonderful it hurt.

He did break the hold on his hands then, pulled Obi-Wan even closer as he pushed deeper inside, his "Obi-Wan, Obi" just nonsense mumbling as their lips met, hands held tight, as their bodies tried to mold into each other. He said it again as he came, the sound mingling with his own name from Obi-Wan's lips.

Afterwards, Qui-Gon laid there, happiness and sorrow warring in him. He couldn't bring himself to say that what they'd done was wrong, not when it was still so close, not when Obi-Wan was still in his arms, but he couldn't help but whisper, "The Code says no sex between apprentice and master. The Code says no attachments."

Obi-Wan pulled out of his arms, looking down on him with his face set, showing nothing. "Well, then I guess we both know what that means. I'll be gone tonight."

But he was gone then, and Qui-Gon watched him leave, not saying a word. He'd thought that nothing could hurt as much as Xanatos leaving had. But it seemed Yoda was right, being a master was a learning experience, because he'd certainly learned how wrong he'd been about that.

::::::::::

"I've broken the Code."

Yoda nodded and said, "Hmm."

"I've formed an attachment."

More nodding, more, "Hmm."

"I can be a Jedi no longer, and Obi-Wan says that he's going back to the Sith world tonight."

Nod. "Hmm."

It was even more annoying than usual. "Can't you say anything else?"

He almost expected another nod and "Hmm," but instead Yoda asked, "Would you listen?"

Qui-Gon sighed, long past mastery of that gesture. "Shoot."

"The Code is meant to guide us, to keep us on the path. Not meant to be a law is it."

"But-"

Yoda waggled his gimmer stick menacingly. "Listen you said you would." When Qui-Gon, sensibly, made no further interruption, Yoda continued. "No such thing as all good or all bad is someone. Balance is the key. Sometimes we help those we don't like, but still we help them. Sometimes we care deeply about someone, but still we help. Still we help."

"But-"

But another shake of the stick left Yoda free to ask, "Love Obi-Wan for years have you not?"

Qui-Gon hesitated to answer, still watching the gimmer stick, but Yoda twirled the end of it encouragingly, and honesty was such a relief at this point. "Yes."

"And still a Jedi all this time you have been, have you not?"

It was like a weight lifting as Qui-Gon finally saw Yoda's point. "Yes. I have been. Even before the sex, I'd already formed the attachment, and yet I was still a Jedi."

Yoda's eyebrows went up at the mention of sex, and there was a certain gleam in his eyes that made Qui-Gon wonder if he was going to be asked for details, but thankfully all Yoda said was, "The Force was right when it placed the two of you together."

Qui-Gon almost laughed. So the wily little bastard _had_ known all these years. Qui-Gon felt a sudden impulse to grab the gimmer stick and give Yoda a good whack, but Obi-Wan hadn't subverted him quite that much, so he settled for sighing, making sure it hit Yoda right between the eyes. "Yes, the Force was right."

And it was going to stay right, Qui-Gon thought. Balance achieved.

::::::::::

It was easy to find Obi-Wan. It was the same place they'd first met, after all. The rift between the worlds was already starting to form, a swirling cloud of darkness barely visible in the gloom around them.

Obi-Wan frowned at him, and Qui-Gon tried not to find it unbearably cute, but it was far too late for that.

"Why come?"

"Because I had to."

Obi-Wan sighed then, and Qui-Gon wondered if maybe he'd taught him a little too much. But Obi-Wan sounded so tired when he said, "It's always about have to with you. Yoda making you take me as an apprentice. Making you keep me as one."

Qui-Gon flinched. He hadn't realized that Obi-Wan knew about the annual meetings. He always had been too damn perceptive. But was he perceptive enough to know why Qui-Gon had done it, when Qui-Gon himself had taken so long to figure it out? "It was never about you. My follies, perceived and otherwise, with Xanatos made me hesitate to take another apprentice. Made me read too much into what was often just typical teenage behavior. Then later…"

Obi-Wan stepped a little closer to him, a little bit away from the still-forming rift, and Qui-Gon took that as a small victory.

"Later?"

"Later I felt like I needed distance. I thought about you too much. In questionable ways. I… wanted you."

Another step closer, and a hopeful smile. "Really?" But then the smile faded, and guilt washed across his face. "But… I forced you. I ra- ra-" he stuttered, unable to get the ugly word out.

It almost made Qui-Gon smile in return, but instead he reached out, taking one of Obi-Wan's hands, pulling him further away from the rift behind him. "No, Obi-Wan. You didn't. I'm a Jedi master, after all. I could have stopped it. If I'd wanted to. If I hadn't wanted you."

Obi-Wan was in his arms again, and it felt good, but Qui-Gon couldn't allow himself to be distracted, had to make sure there weren't any more misunderstandings. "I could have let you pull away when you first did. I could have stopped being your master at any time. I could have never been your master in the first place." The backwards recitation brought them back to the beginning, back to the spot where they were standing now, when fate or the Force, or perhaps just good luck, had brought them together. "I might have been reluctant at points in time, for various reasons, most of which don't speak well of me, but unwilling?"

He let his kiss say how unwilling he most certainly wasn't. When he pulled back, he barely had enough breath to say, "Never that."

What breath he did have was stolen away when Obi-Wan dragged him closer for another kiss. They were both so caught up in it, in each other, that they never noticed when the rift between the worlds finally opened. Never noticed when the Sith master stepped through, coming right up behind them.

They did both notice when he said, "Shit! Another good apprentice wasted."

Qui-Gon was at a loss of what to reply, and all Obi-Wan managed to get out was, "Er," but the Sith master wasn't listening anyway, trudging back through the opening, his, "I can't believe that ass is going to waste on a fucking Jedi," the last thing they heard from him before the rift closed behind him.

Obi-Wan looked at Qui-Gon for a moment, then shrugged. Which Qui-Gon figured was fair enough, considering he hadn't really known his previous master all that long anyway. But there were still some things he obviously felt he needed to address with his current master. "What about the Code?"

In his best master voice, Qui-Gon answered, "Well, Obi-Wan, the Code is really more of a guideline than a law," though he could have sworn he head Yoda laughing as he said it.

But Obi-Wan didn't seem to notice anything, his face lighting up. "So we can stay together?" At Qui-Gon's nod, he hugged him. "That's great, Master. There's still so much I can learn from you."

Qui-Gon swore he could hear Yoda laughing again, though maybe that was just his own libido chuckling, and he tried very hard not to fondle Obi-Wan's ass as he hugged him back. Well, not fondle it too much, anyway. And he was right; there were many things that he could still teach Obi-Wan. And that he could still learn.

Starting with… "Obi-Wan? You remember that little half-backwards flick you gave with your tongue that made me make that one really loud noise?"

Obi-Wan eyes went hooded, his breath coming faster as his tongue darted out in a tiny demonstration right then and there. "Yes, Master?"

"Could you teach me how to do that?"

Later, back at their apartment, both of them still reeling from mutual academic satisfaction over a lesson well learned, Qui-Gon looked around the bedroom, noticing that often-repaired Corellian Virgin statue was lying in pieces on the floor again. Obi-Wan wasn't a clutzy little boy any longer, and he'd certainly long ago bloomed, but if they were going to keep doing what they'd just been doing -- and they most certainly were if Qui-Gon had his way -- it was still just as well that there was little to break in Qui-Gon's apartment.

Qui-Gon just added the incident to his new list, one he most definitely wouldn't be sharing with Yoda, but one he planned to celebrate every year all the same. The _Reasons To Keep My Jedi Apprentice Even Long After His Apprenticeship Is Over_ list.

He felt a warm tongue on his cock, and twitched with the sensation, twitched under the vibration of Obi-Wan's laugh, and laughed himself as his list just grew and grew.

/story


End file.
